There is nothing more bittersweet than recognizing the end of a chapter in your life.
I always try my hardest to be as open as I can be with you all on my blog because life is such an exquisite journey and I want to take you through my lessons and journeys so you know you are not alone. Everyone breaks, everyone cries, everyone loves, everyone makes mistakes, everyone is human. This blog post is about loving who you are.
Today I am shedding labels, that I have been wearing for too long.
“You’re too emotional”
“You need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve”
Emotional: (adj) (of a person) having feelings that are easily excited and openly displayed.
Humans are blessed to have the ability to feel emotions. Though some of us feel them far more deeply than others. Some people believe being an emotional person is a flaw. But darling, it is anything but a flaw. To be emotional is to feel, show, and express all emotions more than the average person. When you are happy you smile from eye to eye. When you are sad you break down into tears. When something is funny you laugh until your stomach hurts and your cheeks are wet from tears. And when you are hurt, you fall apart. Others may view you as flawed, but I see how unbelievably beautiful your talent of showing emotions is. Don’t let anyone ever again make you feel like you are flawed for showing your emotions.
“You just cut people off”
People grow up, they change, they try their best to figure out who they are. It’s normal for friends to grow apart. Besides growing apart from friends in my life so far, I have also had to pull myself away from some friendships. Just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean they have the right to knock you down. Since middle school, I have been backstabbed many, many times by people who I called my friends. And it wasn’t until last month that I decided to remove all of the knives from my back and completely let go. “Cutting” people off is sometimes the most healthy thing to do. Friendships can be just as toxic as a relationship. But it’s important to realize that some people just don’t work well together. A toxic friendship doesn’t mean that one person is in the wrong and the other is the victim. It can simply be toxic because of personalities clashing. You are not a bad person for wanting to pull yourself out of a friendship that is making you unhappy. You should still be civil and chat with them when your paths cross. But they shouldn’t hold a grudge because your happiness is important.
“You try too hard”
Trying too hard. When someone is “trying too hard” it means they are trying to be something or someone they are not and it is obvious to others. The first time I ever heard this phrase was in middle school when I was trying so hard to be friends with the popular girls. How little I used to know back then. Recently, I feel like I’ve been saying this to myself. I was trying too hard to be what others wanted me to be. People I called my friends were always trying to change things about me and I couldn’t take it anymore. Some may say I have finally snapped.
Hell yeah I’ve snapped. Snapped right out of the cocoon I’ve been trapped in for too long. I am now a beautiful butterfly who could care less about what anyone wants me to be. I no longer wear the labels people have placed on me. I left those all behind in my cocoon, that will soon disintegrate into the ground and forever be gone.
I am clean. I am new. I am utterly and completely me again.
I am inspired. I am happy. I am experiencing life again. The way I want to.
I love myself and who I am.
My family, my boyfriend, one close friend, and you guys have seen and know the real me. Because I could be myself around you and them, without receiving any judgement. But now I am no longer hiding myself from anyone.
If someone doesn’t like how emotional I am, how I only listen to Taylor Swift most days, how I’ve watched FRIENDS two times through, how I want to take pictures of everything, how I pronounce things wrong, how I don’t care if I’m wrong or right. Then that is their own problem.
I love who I am. I love how I am constantly wanting to change my hair or my style. I love how I pronounce “crayon” like the word “crown”. I love being an emotional person. I love how I am not perfect and that I’ve made mistakes.
My biggest mistake was letting others turn me into someone I’m not.
I took a break from my blog for a bit because I knew this blog post needed to be next. This post has by far been one of the hardest things to write because I am being so open. But I know that at least one of you reading this, has gone through something similar. Society is powerful and I believe at some point in our lives we have all lost track of who we are.
Some people may think I’m being vain but I know that I’m sharing my story to help others and to help myself if in the future if I ever lose track of who I am again.
Thank you for reading this and knowing the story of a dreamer who lost track of herself. But don’t worry I’ve bloomed. And to totally quote Taylor Swift “I am doing better than I ever was.”
The Mending Spirit | A Poem by Marta Locklear
She had to break
because she was put together wrong.
Over the years they picked apart the puzzle of her body and soul
and rearranged them to their liking.
For too long she fought in the war they created.
Her only ally being her own beating heart.
To the beat of her heart
she marched up to them and surrendered.
Not because she lost the war,
but because she knew their war would never end.
She had to break
so she could put herself back together.
The right way.
The way she wanted to be.
She had to break
to find herself.
xoxo, marta bean.